Always Take What the Defense Gives You

A few days ago I was busy sweating it out on a cross-trainer machine
in my gym. There are 4 cross-trainers available, two of them with soft
pedals (i.e. you actually get more calories burned in similar time
intervals), and two with hard pedals, where you pump like crazy but
end up with less calories. I always go for the soft pedals when they
are available, and that day was no exception.

I was about halfway done on my 30-minute routine when this middle-aged
mother comes in, ready to work-out. She seemed eager to get on the
soft cross-trainers, which were occupied by me and this other fellow.
She took a peek at how much time was remaining on both of our
routines, and grudgingly decided to wait. And wait she did. She even
called up someone on her cell phone, saying that she was in a gym, and
because someone was occupying the machine she'd like to use, she had
to push their appointment an hour back.

The thing is, there were 2 empty cross-trainers available for her use.
Granted, they are hard-pedals, but they will still give you the same
work-out. Not to mention the other machines available for cardio: 10
treadmills, 4 stationery bikes, and 2 step machines, most of which are
empty.

If God puts you in the same situation as soccer mom was, what will you
do? Will you keep waiting for the machines you want to become empty,
knowing you have an appointment afterwards? Or will you wise up and do
your cardio on a different machine, saving you the time while still
getting the same work-out done?

Life often presents us with similar situations. We have hots for the
school's head cheerleader, but she's dating the school's quarterback.
We want to work for this awesome company near where we live, but they
have no vacancy at the moment. We are dying to see this new
blockbuster in a downtown cinema, but all seats for that hour's show
are loaded.

Some of you may have different approaches to such situations, but mine
is always to make the best out of a lousy shit-hole. You take what
life gives you right now, and hope that sometime in the future, you
can finally attain what you desire in the first place. So what if you
can't date the head cheerleader? Maybe you and her were never meant to
be. So what if you can't work at that posh office near home? There are
other jobs that might pay you better. So what if you can't watch the 5
PM show? You can always have an early dinner and watch the 7 PM
instead.

"When God closes one door, He opens another one for you." This is the
analogy used by people devoted to the church. Me, I'm no saint, so my
analogy to this would come from the world of sport that I love so
much. And that is to take what the defense gives you. Every time.

Teams in sports have different styles of play that become their
trademark. The Lakers of the 90s have a fast style that they aptly
call "Showtime". The Jazz live and die by the pick 'n roll, especially
in the Malone & Stockton era of the late 90s. Phil Jackson implemented
the triangle offense in Chicago that allowed them six championships
during the same era. These trademark styles worked on most nights, but
soon defenses began to learn how to diffuse & contain them. What to
do? Did they keep a hard-head and continue forcing their styles of
play, even if it meant losing? Or did they try to go to Plan B, to
find a chink in the defense's armor and hopefully get a win?

Take the Bulls for example. What if on certain nights, the opponent
was able to stifle their triangle offense? The coach would ask the
team to ditch the offense and go to Plan B, which of course would
normally give the ball to Michael Jordan's hands and let him
single-handedly lead them back. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it did
not. But at least they wised up and took what the defense gave them.

The moral of all this is to remind all of us, that there always is a
Plan B. And Plan C. And Plan D. And so on. If what we really want in
life is not yet there for the taking, we can always come back later.
Life is a marathon, not a sprint. Whenever appropriate, settle for the
next best thing, while keeping our eyes on the main prize. Date the
school choir leader. Work at that other office near home. Watch the 7
PM show. You never know how life will turn out if you sometimes pick
Robin over Batman.

As for you soccer mom, stop staring at my ass and hop on that other
cross-trainer to work on your sagging ass!

Why Vatican Should Promote Contraception

"The use of condoms and other acts which purposely divert the purpose of sexual intercourse from holy, human procreation, is here forth condemned as sins of the flesh". Heard this one before? This is an age-old argument that has recently surfaced again in an article I read from a local paper.

In case you are a bit fuzzy on the background, let me paint you a general picture. The Catholic church (and by Catholic church, one may imply the Vatican, which of course holds the highest accolade, or smaller sects within the Vatican. Heck, it could even be Opus Dei, for all we know..) in recent years has given strong consideration to condemn various methods of birth control. Pills, condoms, IUD spirals, even coitus interruptus (you know, where you shoot your load outside..) are deemed sinful because they prevent procreation, the only acknowledged purpose of sexual intercourse between two human beings. Logically, this also leads into their crusade against gay marriages, because gays cannot procreate naturally.

My lack of qualification prevents me from going into any heated, theological debate about this. But the simple truth is this: If all sexual intercourse must be intended for procreation, this planet will overflow with unwanted babies and the human race will suffer as a result. Crime rates will go up, and resources will be scarce. Earth will become a living hell and the number of sins will jack up exponentially. Is this the Earth that God wants us to inherit and develop?

What other options do men have in this case? Masturbate? A sin. Prostitution? Even worse. Polygamy? Dream on, Marion! Hold your load until it explodes during mid-sleep in a wet-dream-bonanza? Where's the fun in that?

Moreover, studies have shown that men who ejaculate LESS than 20 shots per month have a greater risk of getting prostate cancer. This finding is backed by the sad statistic of a staggering number of Catholic priests who suffer from said cancer, presumably due to their vow of celibacy (and aversion towards their own man-junk..).

All in all, contraception seems like the better option. It may be evil, as the Vatican decrees, but it is a LESSER evil than those other outcomes. You know about the seven deadly sins of humanity: Gluttony, Greed, Envy, Lust, Anger, Pride, and Sloth. Denouncing contraception as a sin will suppress Lust, but it may also catasthropically increase the recurrence of the other six.

How so? Imagine having all those loads in you with no channel to dispose them off, because you do not want another kid. In no time you will become an over-eating, lazy, self-righteous, insatiable bastard, with anger towards everyone except for your neighbor's wife, whom you secretly envy. Rather than transforming yourself into the Devil Reincarnated, why not consider a little release? All will be well and the world will become right again.

So my point is, rather than denouncing contraception as a sin, the Vatican may want to reconvene and discuss the consequences, probably during the next Conclave or while sipping tea on the Holy See's plush balcony, overlooking St. Peter's Square. Polygamy is a sin. Aye aye. So is prostitution. Could not agree more. Masturbation? Well.... Grey area there. But contraception should not only be allowed. It should be ENCOURAGED, what with all the sexually-transmitted-diseases floating around the planet, and how overcrowded our nations are with people.

If the Vatican truly holds the highest accolade of God's church on Earth, they should really decide what's best for all humanity. Why ban contraception when all it does is preventing more sins being committed and limiting the Earth's population to allow more resources for everyone?

So I close this post by urging you, my fellow readers, Catholic or not, to continue using contraception where deemed necessary. Sin or not, it is for God to decide when we bump into Him in Heaven. If contraception can make us all better as humans, and improve the quality of lives of those around us, who are the Vatican to condemn it as sin?

As for masturbation.... I have another 5-page essay on the subject, but that's for another time and place. For now, let's just leave it as a grey area.... And please aim carefully.